I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
