It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Im just a social blackout drinker.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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