Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
