Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
