Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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