Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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