I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize