OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize