So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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