i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
