my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
NoShamevember. You game?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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