I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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