Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
