you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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