mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
