Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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