You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
