Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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