She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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