He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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