I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
