While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
