I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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