sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
