i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize