Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize