I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
