i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
