Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
