Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
