Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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