Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize