he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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