If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
