jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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