my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
