If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
