If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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