my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
