omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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