I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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