my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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