After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
