Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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