Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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