K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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