party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
