Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
