I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
