3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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