chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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