you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
