I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
