So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
