I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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