1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
