After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
