so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
