Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
