remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
