if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Dear god my vagina.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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