if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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