Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
